I’ve got my acceptance speech ready
ME (stands at podium, clutching Golden Turkey award, gasps in surprise and delight): Gosh, this is so unexpected! I’m just honored to be in the company of so many amazing dinner hosts, all of whose work I deeply admire. I know I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for your inspiration . . . all those food blogs, all those incredible Pinterest boards . . . (voice breaks with emotion)
CUT TO AUDIENCE: general nods and smiles, a few faces shining with (presumably) happy tears
ME (recovers composure): And really, this whole project has been such a group effort — so I accept this award on behalf of everyone and everything that made it possible.
CUT TO AUDIENCE: applause
ME: There are just so many to thank! But that what today’s all about, right? Giving thanks. (pauses as applause rises) First of all, thanks to the family who gathered around our table this year, especially those of you who traveled! Crazy time of year to do that, right?
CUT TO FAMILY MEMBERS IN BOX SEATS: knowing laughter
ME: And thank you to my sister-in-law — what would dinner have been without your incredible bread dressing? Who knew green apples and sour cream were the magic ingredients? You did, sister!
CUT TO SISTER-IN-LAW: blows a kiss
ME: And to my niece, oh my gosh, those pies you baked were absolutely divine! Good thing there’re some leftovers, because I know what I’m having for breakfast tomorrow.
CUT TO NIECE: laughs, waves
ME: And of course, to my wonderful husband. Without you to be my rock and make the gravy, I don’t know that this dinner would have happened at all.
CUT TO HUSBAND: puts hand over heart, smiles
ME: And there is just so much more to be thankful for, I hardly know where to begin. To the turkey, of course, and to the rancher who raised it (organically and humanely, I was assured) — and to all the farmers who grew such delicious vegetables and potatoes and squash, and the cows who produced so much scrumptious butter and cream, oh, and somewhere there’s a goat that yielded the most amazing log of chevre for the appetizer spread, thank you so much . . .
Music begins to rise from the orchestra pit
ME (raises voice above music): And then there are the vintners who made such perfect sauvignon blanc; it’s not easy to produce a wine that goes well with turkey!
CUT TO AUDIENCE: patient smiles. Music increases in volume
ME (glances at the two beautiful women in evening gowns who approach her from either side; raises voice another notch, speaks rapidly): Then there’s having a house my near and dear ones can gather in, and being fortunate enough to provide them with a meal, at least the parts of it I made, hahaha, and to the well-stocked grocery stores and the place where I found those super-cute placemats . . .
Music swells. The two beautiful women flank the podium, reach for speaker’s elbows
ME (shouts): But that’s just the beginning! There’s so much more to be thankful for!
CUT TO AUDIENCE: strained smiles, some people checking their phones
ME (still shouts): My family! My friends! Everybodys’ families and friends! Holidays, and regular days, and every day we get to live on this incredible, unique, precious planet spinning in the vastness of space! The land, the ocean, the air, all that move on or within them, it’s all so miraculous when you think about it . . .
CUT TO ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR: waves his baton wildly as music grows to a crescendo
CUT TO PODIUM: the two gowned handlers, smiling, firmly steer the speaker away from the microphone
ME: (shouts desperately over shoulder while being led away): Dogs! Cats! Elephants and birds! Apricot scones on Sunday morning! Redwood trees, mountains, lakes, BOOKS, how could I forget to mention books . . .wait, I’m not done!
CUT TO COMMERCIAL