Pay no attention to those plunging poll numbers, folks! And forget about that uppity new prime minister of what will soon be our 51st state insisting that Canada’s not for sale.
If you’re still dumb enough to listen to the Fake News, those lying scum will have you all up in your feelings about silly stuff like due process or birthright citizenship or the Constitution (which, we’re not entirely sure what that says, but that’s what we have very smart lawyers for, and of course we’ll do whatever the Supreme Court tells us we have to, as long as it we agree with it).
As for that kerfuffle between India and Pakistan, that’s too bad. Really a shame. But just because they both have at least 170 nuclear warheads and are already lobbing strikes at each other, that’s no reason to lose your focus on your golf swing.
Marco Rubio will get that straightened out in no time — that is, when he finds time to be Secretary of State while he’s also serving as National Security Advisor, U.S. Archivist, and the head of USAID.
After all, USAID hardly exists anymore, and who even knows what the Archivist does? Sounds like a religious-themed horror movie from the early 70s.
Anyway. Speaking of movies.
If you want to worry about something — besides the caravans of murderers and dope fiends coming over our southern border, or maybe it’s our northern border this week, except those numbers are way down because we’re doing such a great job, a tremendous job, there’s never been a job like the one we’re doing, until we need to scare everybody again about murderers and dope fiends, who as we all know have funny accents and the wrong color skin — worry about Hollywood.
Because as our Fearless Leader pointed out in one of his recent late-night Truth Social posts, Hollywood is “DYING a very fast death.”
DYING, people. In all caps. But The Donald has The Solution.
Which is the same solution as it is for everything else (everything that can’t be rounded up and deported to El Salvador or maybe Libya).
Tariffs!
In the same Truth Social rant, Take #47 explained that he was directing his administration to “immediately begin the process of instituting a 100% Tariff on any and all Movies coming into our Country that are produced in Foreign Lands.”
See? Brilliant. Bring the movies home, and Hollywood’s New Golden Age will be upon us!
It’s so simple. Why didn’t anyone think of this before? Luckily, our Director-in-Chief knew better than to listen to a lot of economists and finance wonks about how to reinvigorate the American film industry.
Instead, he appointed three red-blooded ‘Murican movie stars as his Hollywood Ambassadors: Jon Voight, Sylvester Stallone, and Mel Gibson.
It makes so much sense. Like Pete Hegseth’s “warfighters,” these three guys have done their time in makeup chairs and sound stages (many of which were on location in other countries, but never mind). They have the dust of dressing rooms on their boots!
We can trust them with the fate of the Dream Factory because they’re famous, rich, old, white, avowedly straight, and reliably right-wing.
Or as reliable as actors can be. It took Jon Voight until 2008 to come out as a born-again GOP devotee when he blasted Barack Obama for being a socialist and an anti-semite as well as for dishonoring the reputation of John McCain.
But Jon’s got his mind right now, having deemed Donald Trump as “the greatest President since Abraham Lincoln.” And we have Mr. Voight to thank for suggesting the movie tariff plan, or maybe he meant it as a tax incentive scheme (who knows or cares what the difference is, amiright?), to the Orange Auteur.
As for Voight’s reverence for the late Senator McCain being at odds with his greatest-president-since-Lincoln’s insistence that John McCain (who spent five and a half torturous years as a POW in Vietnam) was not a war hero with that infamous “I like people that don’t get caught,” remark, please. That was so 2015.
As for Mr. Gibson (who TRIED to offer a very nice apology to the Jewish Anti-Defamation League for his anti-semitic rant when he was arrested for drunk driving in 2006), or Sylvester Stallone (who, at an America First gala at Mar-a-Lago last November, deemed Trump a “second George Washington” which is how you know Sly is the man for the job), it’s uncertain what contributions they made to the Bring Movies Home plan.
Whatever. I’m sure they’ll get a percentage.
You may ask what the phrase “foreign-made films” specifically refers to. Does it mean movies made by foreign production companies, or simply films shot outside the U.S.?
Why quibble over details? Let’s just go with the concept of American movies made in America for Americans (or anyone else who wants to invest in them as long as they’re shot on our soil).
Just think. Picture a Jason Bourne thriller shot in exotic locales like the streets of Burbank. How about a remake of Roman Holiday titled Richmond Holiday?
Anything further in the James Bond franchise will have James (at last revealed as a Texan cowboy who has only been under cover as a prissy Brit all these decades) saving blonde, corn-fed Ivanka lookalikes from immigrant evil masterminds who are definitely not Elon Musk. At the end, Bond and his surviving bimbo could end up canoodling at a swim-up bar at Mar-a-Lago!
The possibilities are dazzling. That 100% tariff could kick in at any time (or never), so if you’ve got a pitch for a new all-American flick — or even better, a reboot of a movie that was treacherously filmed elsewhere — please let me know in a comment!
Comentarios