Oh, Crap, I Missed an Entire Beauty Trend!

Am I too late?

Oh, my God, my skin isn't reflective! Image by Gundula Vogel from Pixabay

While reading the news, I learned the awful truth

I was reading something about the U.S. election or climate change, I forget, when a banner ad caught my attention. Thanks to it interrupting my focus on trivial concerns, I was alerted to a beauty standard that I have not only failed to meet but of which I was previously unaware.

The banner ad, unlike me, was doing its job.

Clearly, I have tragically fumbled the basic obligation of every self-respecting, aspirational, capitalist-culture-conforming woman to keep up.

Confronting me in that ad was an image of a woman’s dewy, pristine face. Over which was superimposed a mysterious vial full of some alluring potion, and these words:

Can you achieve glass skin?

What? I should have glass skin! Who knew?

The entire rest of the world, that’s who, judging by a quick glimpse at the Interwebs. The term “glass skin” was first dabbed on the world’s previously dull complexion in 2017, thanks to the phenomenally viral South Korean skincare industry.

The K-beauty term is “Yuri-’Pibu” which denotes a complexion so smooth, clear, and perfectly poreless that it’s reflective.

Like glass.

Sadly, I was raised with mid-century, blandly Western, and obliviously racist complexion standards. Peaches and cream. Milk and honey. Snow White, blah blah blah. I thought I’d transcended those biases with consciousness-raising back in the 70s.

But never once did it occur to me that I should aspire to a countenance with the texture and shine of a Reidel goblet.

Glass skin has been a thing for seven years now! How have I fallen so far behind the times?

This is what happens when you let yourself get distracted by shallow concerns like climate collapse and democracy in crisis. My skin may be many things — crinkled and furrowed, bedecked with freckles and blotches — but glass it is not.

So now what? Can I achieve glass skin?

Thank goodness there is no shortage of helpful tips, suggested regimens, and products to get me there. The basic tenets of creating a crystalline visage are a simple matter of cleansing, exfoliating, toning, serum application, and moisturizing.

Most of which should be performed in repeated steps and with multiple layers.

A 2022 article in Allure suggests a basic routine to edge your face toward glistening perfection. First comes a “double cleanse,” using micellar water or an oil-based cleanser and then a gently hydrating face wash. Products are of course recommended, ranging from $5 to $49.

Next is exfoliation, which you probably only want to do at night as this step ideally involves acid-based peels and face masks made with alpha and beta hydroxy acids. There’s one recommended that you can pick up for under 50 bucks!

After that, it’s time to start layering liquids. No, I’m not talking martinis, although you may feel you need a couple at this point.

You want a generous sluicing of a leave-on toner (recommended brands will set you back between $18 and $42 — but remember we’re talking 2022 dollars here). After that, an essence! Snail mucin essence if possible, and no, I’m not making that up. Go ahead, slick that slime on. It’ll set you back from $25 to $65.

And then you’re ready for serum! Luckily, you can find a do-it-all serum that contains everything your serum-starved face yearns for: hyaluronic acid, peptides, and Vitamin C, for just under $30 (again, 2022 dollars).

But don’t stagger off to bed yet. Now it’s time to slather on a generous blob of moisturizer — be ready to spend anywhere from $40ish on a drugstore brand to $790 for a 1.7-oz. jar of La Mer Genaissance Concentrated Night Balm.

The La Mer website assures us that this stuff contains “two waves of anti-aging activity while you sleep.” You might want to warn your bed partner.

In the morning, repeat — but leave out the exfoliator and add sunscreen.

That’s all there is to it! Well, not really

If a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing well. Since you’ve already invested anywhere from $165 to $1,025 (need I repeat: 2022 dollars) in your basic products, why not go the extra distance and follow the advice given in a 2021 article in Glamour: “This 11-Step Routine Gave Me the ‘Glass Skin’ of My Dreams.”

In it, we are advised to think of our skincare routine this way:

. . . as a meal plan — giving your skin the 360-degree care it needs to thrive: proper cleansing, exfoliating, balancing, antioxidants, humectants, vitamins, minerals, fatty acids, and protection!

By following all 11 steps with meticulous care (and spending some more money), significant results should show up in as little as three weeks!

But if you’re impatient, in a hurry, or simply a Boomer like me who’s probably running out of time to get your glass on, there’s a shortcut: injectables.

Better living through chemistry, baby.

There’s one type called a glass skin booster injectable, another type called “skin botox” or “baby botox,” and a new, recently FDA-approved (so you know it’s good) injectable, Skinvive.

A two-syringe treatment of Skinvive will run you an estimated $650 — $750 and lasts anywhere from three to six months. Although “some” patients require an additional touchup at the one-month mark. Sometimes glass gets smudged, I guess.

Let’s say I put in all the time, money, and injectables

We’re back to the original question: can I achieve glass skin?

Google “glass skin for women over 50” and the answer can be summed up in one of the Magic 8 Ball responses: outlook not so good.

I did find one effusive article published by a medspa (talk about having skin in the game) that discusses how to have glass skin in “mature years.” Neither of the models in the accompanying photos appears to be much over 45, and while they both seem like lovely ladies (is glass skin a single-gender thing?), their skin does not resemble glass.

Call me a quitter if you will, but I’m thinking I’ll save myself the extra dough, time, and at least six out of 11 steps. My dewy, glowy face days are in the rearview, and I’ve earned all the scars and laugh lines I’ve racked up since.

I guess I was born too soon for glass skin. Oh well. I’m not shattered over it.